Its been a year...
A whole new year...
Last year was complicated, difficult, mindful, loving...all these things...
We are still together it has been a long road, a road I hope we are walking down not backwards.
I believe we are strong and the past has no place in our future.
I believe we are even stronger united and that it takes two to be a partnership that will succeed.
Hope is such a positive emotion to have.
Everyone needs hope.
I wrote this about 2 weeks ago when I found out...
I'm posting it now...
I found out my Master had been cheating on me...
Been being the more operative word
The misdemeanours had happened about a year ago as so I discovered.
On the lead up to the birth of our daughter
I feel maybe if I write about it, it may reduce the amount of guilt I have over it,
I know I shouldn't but I can't help feel as though I'm less of a woman because he had to go to someone else especially for something I was readily giving him.
Less of a woman because I didn't spot the signs in my spouse who says 'he was happy' but actions suggest otherwise.
In fact I felt more of a woman than I ever have, our pregnancy was amazing, truly fantastic, I was blooming in delight of becoming a mother again, our sex life out of this world.
So all of the above being, I felt beautiful and loved and I know it wasn't my fault.
The doubts creep in and say otherwise though :/
The pain when I found out was heartbreaking....is heartbreaking...
I couldn't believe he would do that to us...let alone to our unborn child too...
I don't think forgiveness is on the cards
Especially when he can't explain it and I don't understand it
Trying again seems so hard to do when im so hurt and so angry
Why should I let someone treat me this way because I'm bound to them?
What happened to trust and respect and love?
All the things he says he wants from me and I give in buckets.
I truly truly love him so in my head in that love is hope that we can start again
If only I could tell my heart that too.
Today something happened...
I had a new dress
Beautiful, beautiful dress, bright purple and glossy, snug fit and wonderful...
I disobeyed my daddy...
He was very angry
So you think you can just flaunt your body?
Show your body to anyone who happens to walk by?
Have I not told you that you will dress modestly?
Did you truly think that I wouldn't find out about that ridiculously low cut dress you wore today?
You know you will be punished.
I flinched
That dress was to be worn only when I accompanied you and only with my permission.
You agreed to that directive.
I tried to speak...
But no, you disobeyed.
You just had to flaunt your beautiful breasts didn't you?
Those delectable curves, that smooth skin, the pert, hard nipples.
You know you will be punished.
My guess is, that was your intent all along.
To push me.
To test me.
To see if I would truly follow through.
The answer - yes, baby girl I will follow through and you will be punished.
You will cry and you will repent and you will admit not only your wrongdoing, but why you chose to directly disobey an order which you had agreed to.
He paused...breathed deeply...
Yes, it will hurt and you will feel the aftermath of your punishment for several hours, possibly even days, but that's good.
He frowned...
You will learn not to push me, not to test me, and not to disobey.
I want you to know, I am not angry with you, but I am disappointed.
Now, be a good woman and take your punishment.
I hesitated...
Now little one. ..
Breathe in.
First, I will prepare your nipples with my teeth.
I'm going to nip and tug and make sure they are tender and hard.
I know you don't like when I do this, that you prefer gentle sweet kisses, but gentleness and sweetness will not teach you your lesson, will it?
My tears began to fall...
That's right, go ahead and cry.
You can use your safe word if you need to and we will take a break, but you will accept this won't you?
Now, now that your nipples are ripe, now I will clip them.
You will stand, your arms up, tied in place and then I will spank you...and then you will wait until I release you.
Your tears will run down you cheeks and you will understand that you are mine and that I set rules for your protection.
Because I love you.
I will keep watch and make sure you are safe, but your tears will not move me to mercy.
He grips my face and I stare into his eyes as he mutters..
You will do as I say because you know this is for your own good.
And when I release you, when you feel the soreness of your self later today, tomorrow...
You will know they are mine.
I didn't need to answer.
The dress didn't survive.
Fiona x
Something that I've realised that people tend to ask or wonder is...how do you do what you do?
What they forget is, they are either wannabes or beginners or genuine busy bodies...
It isn't about doing it its about learning and loving and accepting who you are.
So even with that question...they've kinda missed the point.
So i thought I would write a little update on things I have learned as a slave since the beginning,
Number one is Patience.
Being a slave is often about this and I didn't have much of it when it came to my new found masochist desires.
However, being a slave rather than a sub, and having an Owner rather than a dom, often has meant that what I want doesn't always happen, and often my opinions even though they're sought, are usually discarded.
I have to be patience in knowing that I know that he knows best.
Number two is Accepting.
Following patience is acceptance...
This I have to say comes with time and time and time.
I know that my desires are not the most important thing, because to me that is more deeply satisfying than thinking I can get whatever I want whenever.
I accept that being frustrated and unwilling can leave my master very unhappy and therefore myself.
Number three is Obedience.
This may always be a work in progress.
I go along thinking that I can completely obey and then some unexpected comes up...(like my stubborness) that challenges my ability to obey him and we go round in a circle.
However, I've found obedience to be one of the things that makes my slave hood, I get overwhelming pleasure from listening and completing his commands.
Number four is Punishment.
We have talked a lot about punishment, time and time again and he has thought about what works and doesn't work for me, and what he wants to do.
Again some things I don't enjoy, some things he knows I love, but all of it is punishment and all punishments are lessons.
Number five is Remember.
Remember everything.
Why we were together, why we were doing this.
I also find that everything is based on your own mindset.
When my master first took away all my rights, (I got a few back obviously) I never understood that he did it for love but he did and the rules and restrictions that followed, I had to remember.
A few things have changed during our relationship but again that's one of the things people need to learn.
So number six is Change.
I hate change, hated change, but he dictates the changes so who am I too argue?
I've learnt to realise that not all changes are bad and that you have to grow, meaning that some things that you once did are no longer needed and therefore leaves room for new decisions.
However one major point I've realised is that no matter how long you've been a slave for your actually always learning, whether it's more about yourself or your Master or your pain threshold.
Fiona x
I've been reading a book for the past few days on DD and their Tih/Hoh relationships...
I was wondering what is it that decides who you are?
If that comitment into the relationship is suitable forever?
Like before my Master and I, I was in a poly gang so to speak, it was more of a cuckhold gathering rather than set people who lived with us.
Aside from the sex we had daddy/daughter roles and I found I grew with that, especially since I was young and my parents were absent.
But also with the guidance and comfort came the abuse, which I didn't recognise as abuse at the time, I just assumed that was normal.
I also knew deep down I was unhappy, sometimes it takes a lot to see the light.
Since meeting my Master them years ago, we didn't discuss how things would progress, he just took the lead and I was very happy to follow.
You could say I was probably submissive to start with but with my daily tasks, rules and permission restrictions I soon knew it wasn't a sub he was after.
This being said is our chosen lifestyle and I have to say we are very happy and I truly believe it grows with you even when you think you've become the best you can be.
But again if I had a choice now would I still be a slave?
To rome free of ties and procedures?
To do everyday things that vanilla people take for granted?
To not for fill my masters every wish?
No
I am a slave.
For me this is forever.
I truly hope everyone in life finds their peace but also their place.
Fiona x
My name is Fiona.
I am far from vanilla, the term we kinksters use to describe unkinky ones of us.
I live in a 24/7 TPE, total power exchange, relationship.
In my relationship, I am what we would call a consensual slave not to be confused with non-consensual slavery.
I live with my Master in the middle of the United Kingdom.
We were married and I was collared by Him on July 15 2006, I was 18.
We are monogamous, which works out great for me because I need A LOT of attention.
I don’t share well but it does work for some people.
I did try poly prior to meeting my current Master. That didn’t work to well for me although they would beg to differ. I may blog about that dynamic at a later date.
Many would say that I’m a newbie.
Given that I've only had 2 masters in my lifetime.
Both different dynamics.
I would say that living in a 24/7 tpe gives a person a lot of experience in a short period of time regardless how many labels youve had previously and that I will forever be a student.
Learning is a constant theme.
What I hope to accomplish with this blog is to open myself to myself but also to others, reading others blogs has made me realise just how writing can open a window to the soul...a soul that connects us all :)
I am mostly a Masochist but I also get off on the power exchange, internal enslavement and the synergy of where Master and slave meet.
I enjoy being in complete servitude with no rights.
I hope you will enjoy reading my blog, reading about our journey and feelings, both past and present so you may get a clearer picture of the way my Master and I live and are.
Fiona x
This is a interesting topic but it's where I want to start.
I am a tpe 24/7 Slave.
My Master found me in the worst time of my life, I wasn't worthy of him at all, I wasn't even worthy of submission, but he saw what I needed at the time and he made me who I am.
Now needs and wants are totally different.
Most want to be able to spend money freely and have nice things.
I would like to be able to read more or have a dishwasher that empty itself :)
But really. . When it boils down to it all my needs and wants are being met.
I used to want to travel a lot but over the past few years I’ve become a home body out of choice.
So what is it I need. . I need to be on someone’s leash.
I need to be held accountable.
I need rules.
I need structure in order to function on a positive path.
When I don’t have my needs met i stay to waver and make bad choices for myself and for others.
In the bdsm community I thrive in the arena of being under another’s control. Never could I breathe and let go.
I tried so hard to maintain control in my vanilla relationships.
I’m not exactly sure what clicked but it was a huge turn on to be under someone’s power.
I am naturally trusting so I would automatically believe that others had my best interest in mind.
This opened the door to abuse.
When Master found me, I was struggling to find someone to control me.
I too didn't realise that this is what I wanted or needed.
Growing up I was always in control by default.
My innocence and cute looks have me an advantage.
Caused me to be a brat.
I was selfish.
I threw temper tantrums.
Basically I had the control at a very early age but really didn’t want it..
It was a lot of pressure.
Trying to make everyone happy because after all, I had the reins.
During my early years of vanilla relationships I kept the control.
I manipulated to continue to be spoiled.
I was very selfish and stupid.
I’m not sure what happened but in the world of bdsm I changed.
I relished in the relinquishment of control.
I gave it to him.
And here I am.
And I am truly happy.
Ultimately this is my most basic need and want.
